Please do not flatter me
About my anatomy
Compliments won’t get you anywhere
Praises too cloying
Are simply annoying
So stop it, I say, or you best beware.

Whatever you see
It ain’t really me
Don’t tell me I look like I’m twenty.
I used a few tricks
That you match and you mix
From a list that my grandmother sent me.

This stylish hairline
You might think is all mine
This platinum blond wig was a bargain.
I went to a surgeon
And after some urgin’
He straightened my nose for a farthin’.

My cheeks are so tight
My false teeth cannot bite
And my neck is so stiff it won’t swivel
The cleft in my chin
I bought on a whim
From a sculptor with hammer and chisel.

My boobs are as high
As an elephant’s eye
My waist is held in by a suture
My stomach is flat
Liposuction did that
There’ll be no midnight snacks in the future.

If you look at my bum
It might make you hum
It is perfectly shaped like a pear
The down of a puffin
Was used as the stuffin’
To make me this fine derriere.

There is nothing to do
With the patterns of blue
That are etched by my varicose veins.
My feet have these bunions
Like overgrown onions  …
Let’s not discuss what remains.

So to all of the youth
I offer this truth
“Beware of the people who flatter thee.
Be ready. Be humble.
Your body will crumble.
Say farewell to your youthful anatomy!”